Believe In Greater Plans

I am a mom to three angel babies. I am telling my story not for pity, but more for sharing, that there are a lot of women like me or couples like us who are experiencing the same thing. It can be isolating at times, for people do not typically share this type of experience.  For me, I just want to have an outlet for my grief, and hopefully putting it into words will help me cope with it.

We got married early in 2014 and after 1.5 years I decided to see a doctor to check why I am not pregnant yet.  She gave me instructions on how to track my cycle, know when I am ovulating, etc.  It was a bit overwhelming so I did not put an effort to it.  Funny thing is, after a few weeks, I got a positive pregnancy test. This was not an easy one.  At around 9 weeks, I started to have spotting so the doctor advised me to just stay at home. After a week or so, the spotting did not stop so I stayed in the hospital for two nights for monitoring.  The doctor found out that I have an infection that probably caused my spotting and just have to take antibiotics to fight it. My condition slightly improved and the spotting lessened.  However, after maybe a few days more, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt warm liquid gush out of me.  We went to the doctor in the morning and found that I lost amniotic fluid. I was put on strict bedrest and water therapy to get it back up.  On the third day, as I went to pee, blood came out of me.  As we were driving to the hospital, I already felt pain in my abdomen that only got worse as we got there.  I was in so much pain that I do not know what the doctors were doing already. All I know is that I am losing a lot of blood as they were checking me and the baby still has a heartbeat. But things were not looking great.  I asked to be sedated so I can rest. Morning came, baby has no heartbeat and the doctors performed a D&C.  I remember slightly waking up in the OR and one of the doctors uttered the words “baby boy”.  I know that to be true because a few days before, I woke up from a dream and baby boy was my first thought. I honestly didn’t know how to process all of these so I just bottled up all my emotions and tried to move on as quickly as I can. I think I just cried it out a few months after when I learned that someone we know was pregnant once again.  I was questioning everything, why she was blessed with another baby when her family is struggling financially while me, when I know have some resource to give my baby a good life, but was sadly taken away from me at 13 weeks.

Three years after that, I woke up one day, got dressed to work out but for some reason, I have zero energy.  So I took a pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive. We went for an ultrasound but the doctor said that I have to go back next week because the baby was small for a heartbeat to be detected.  We went the following week and the doctor confirmed what I dreaded: the baby had no heartbeat. I cried in the clinic, I cried in the restaurant we went to after, I did not care.  How can our lives be changed in just 11 days.  Went to have a D&C once again the next day.  I spent most of my maternity leave in a coffee shop near the house where I drew or read books and as I walk home, I would pass by a church. I would always light a candle for my babies and say a little prayer.  I surrendered everything to Him and one day, I walked out of that church and felt all my sorrows lifted from my shoulders.  I know that He healed me.

My third pregnancy came this year.  I was preparing for our anniversary getaway but decided to take a pregnancy test just because.  I cried when two lines appeared; I cannot believe I am pregnant again.  It started pretty rocky as the baby’s heartbeat was very low and I was so afraid to miscarry once again.   But my husband reminded me that we have to stay positive all the time. I was put on bedrest for a month until my next checkup.   Baby’s heartbeat picked up, I did not have any morning sickness, and I got over a UTI.  Doctor advised that I rest for another month, which I did, just to be sure.  I was tracking how my belly was growing.  My husband even bought our own doppler so we can hear the heartbeat as we cannot go to the clinic due to the lockdown.  Everything was on track as I made it to 17 weeks. Or so I thought.

Early morning of easter Monday, I was woken up by the urge to pee.  Frankly, I did not want to get up because I just wanted to sleep but you are not supposed to hold it in.  As I stood up, a huge gush of warm liquid went out of me.  My water bag broke.  I woke my husband up and called my doctor.  Thank goodness our neighbor’s driver was nearby and I was able to go to the hospital. I was already heavily bleeding when I got there.  Blood gushed out of me as I stood up.  I did not want to believe it but I am losing my baby once again.  I was already dilated and at risk for infection and they have to take the baby out.  No heartbeat with the second doppler check.  They put me on strong medications and antibiotics to help deliver the baby.  The hardest thing was, I have to do it alone since they saw something in my xray that can be related to Covid-19 (my swab test came out negative after a few days). I have to be put on isolation as my husband waited alone in the waiting room, amidst all the other fathers waiting for their babies to be born.  I did not know how I was able to pass the 9 hour waiting period by myself, waiting for some sort of pain in my belly indicating that my baby is ready; ready to separate from me.  I was wheeled in a very cold OR, which became even colder after the anesthesia.  I was kept awake during the whole procedure so as not to put pressure on my lungs since I was a PUI.  I was so thankful for my anesthesiologist since she held my hand the whole time and trying to calm me down. The OB and nurses were speaking on low voices so I did not hear anything.  As I am being taken out of the OR, I asked for the baby’s gender.  He was a boy.  I fell asleep after that.

We were able to go home the next day after the anesthetic wore out.  I tried to eat something after 36 hours, and tried to sleep once again.  Woke up around lunch time to read some messages.  It’s at that time that it hit me; we lost our baby.  I bawled out and cried my eyes out.  We did everything we could to keep our baby safe but it was still not meant to be. Some asked if we want to claim the fetus but I cannot bear to see my baby in a jar.  I’ll just keep him perfect in my heart. 

For the mothers our there who are now challenged by spending time with their kids 24/7, remember how lucky you are; that you have your child here on earth, that you can hear them call you “Mom”. How I long for that to happen to me. 

My story is not just mine; it’s my husband’s, our families’, and close friends’ who only wants the best for the us.  My doctor advised for me to get tested for APAS after my second pregnancy but I did not do it yet because we were not financially ready at that point.  I do not know what our next steps will be, given that we are still on lockdown. For now, we are just trying to get our lives back on track.

PS: We are very thankful for all the friends and family who sent us care packages! Love you all!